Past Imperfect

Mia will be ONE year old next month and frankly it's making me feel quite strange. There's the bit about where-did-the-year go. Then the bit where I go, "Oh my god, my baby is not a baby anymore!" Then I start thinking that it's been three years since I had a proper job, i.e. as a journalist. And I wonder if this is the end of my media career. But then I think I really don't want to put her in childcare unless we really need the money. Amidst all that thinking/wondering, I realise that soon it will be five years that I have been writing this blog. Well, this is more or less the same as Emancipation of Eve; I just gave the old blog a new name.

So much has changed over the last five years. It amazes me at some times and totally scares me at others. There are so many amazing bits. Mia, Partner, living here, a terrific rapport with my parents, a new family I love... In five years I've gone from smoking 10 (and more) joints a day, spitting mad at the world to not having had a cigarette in the last five days. I am wearing nicotine patches, but it's a start. The scary bit is that none of it was planned, everything just happened. So it could also un-happen right? That's what scares me but I'm not going to be chicken shit. Jo hoga dekha jayega. :)

Here's what was happening with me this day, on this blog in the (five) years passed:

2010 June 23, Anti-nesting feelings: There's state of mind and then there's a state your mind's in. Or moments when I am so cranky it irritates me. Or I am so irritated I really want to cry. My belly is HUGE. Correction: The thing under my boobs with red streaks and spider veins running all over -- that can sometimes change shape on its own -- is HUGE. I also projectile puked yesterday because the body felt like it. READ MORE

Hinsdight: I was hugely pregnant and waiting for Mia to be born. And majorly grouchy. The official due date was July 28th; I didn't know it then that Mia would be two weeks early.

2009 June 20, Doklet-Nha Trang, Vietnam: Just look at the place... need I write more? We stayed at the White Sand Resort, Doklet (pronounced 'jok-let', Vietnam). And just did not want to leave. I am grateful that someone invented the camera. Sunrise like this is hard to imagine. Or maybe because my imagination sucks. Is there a name for the colour of the sky?! READ MORE

Hindsight: We were travelling through Thailand-Laos-Vietnam-Cambodia to India and back. We didn't know it on the holiday that we would be pregnant three months later.

2008 June 27, Delhi decade, so long : I've lived 10 years in Delhi and changed umpteen houses, even worked just 15 minutes from it but I've NEVER been to Chandni Chowk. Thankfully as part of my job, I saw some bits of Delhi that I otherwise wouldn't. Like the autorickshaw colony near Karkardooma airport at 1.30 am, sitting in an auto and trying to 'buy' ganja/marijuana so I could then do a bust-up, a crime story. READ MORE

Hindsight: I was waiting for my study visa, Partner had left for Melbourne the day before. Everything I knew I was leavhing behind in one country, everything I wanted was in another country. I didn't know it then but the visa came through the next day.

2007 June 21, I want to write night: I hate reading medical sites. They always convince me that I have ALL symptoms for the worst kind of diseases. What bothers me more than the illness itself is: who will look after me and how will I pay? Because I need to work to pay and if I am ill and not working, where's the money going to come from? READ MORE

Hindsight: So lonely then. Four-five months before Partner walked into my life. So lonely. I had no idea life would change for the beautiful and I woulnd't have believed if you'd told me.

2006, June: I'd recently been beaten up. I'd bled, cried wanted to die. Instead I got angry. I didn't know then I'd be starting a blog that would help channelise my anger, help me survive.


siggysparkle said...

Happy birthday in advance to the little one :) Wow, time has flown.

I love reading your posts from the past - it's one thing I kinda miss from deleting my blog is that I'd like to see how far I have come. I still have it somewhere tho :P

Pre-2006 - life there doesn't matter anymore. The last five years have shown you that much - always keep happy JB :)

Psych Babbler™ said...

Just goes to show how much life changes, doesn't it? It's a perfect example of why people shouldn't stay stuck in the down times when things get hard because eventually, things will change! Happy 1st birthday to Mia! :)

Sree said...

:)This blog can be a TV show. I wanna hug this blog.

Happy Birthday Mia.Love and blessings. Her bday is same as my first best friends bday :). And hey, i was 2 weeks early too. well, just sayin.

luna? yea. Perhaps they knew your future :) Stay happy always, jb.
So, journalist who?

Eveline said...

Now that I'm done crying...I just want to say thank you for sharing such a special part of your life with the Internetwebosphere. I am 26 and been a long, but silent lurker on your blog. It gives me such joy to think maybe someday I might be a mom and have such an awesome adventure as you, Mia and Partner are having. The happiest birthday to Mia and thanks again for everything you share with us.

JB said...

@ Silvara: Thank-you lovely. One day you'd be ready to bring out those posts into the light again. Mind you though, I haven't gotten all posts out, only some. I'll try to stay happy, same for you and don't let that storm scare you. :P

@ Psych: Life sure changes only when you are stuck in the down, it's pretty darned hard believing things might change. Or can. Mia says thanks, there's still a month to go! :D

@ sree: LOL. You crack me up. Journalist who eh? you wait. anyway, what happened to that board thing?

@ Eveline: Are you being sarcastic? Dunno but I *just* checked your blog and FB; I didn't know! CONGRATULATIONS! You guys look absolutely stunning together. And you're welcome and also thank-you for being on the journey with me so far. And you will be a mom someday and you are ALREADY on the adventure Mrs P.

annastales said...

the first birthday is such a mixed milestone. and somehow the concept of time changes after that. before that each month is important. now Anna is 13 months old and i barely realised that another month had gone by.
happy birthday to the little one in advance. looking forward to a nice birthday post.
loved reading where you were this time in the years past. truly amazing how life changes.

dobighazameen said...

guess Sree & me have been around from the Golu days.......

Best !

Sree said...

didnt hear anything. will tell.

@dobigha: nah,i'm here before you. okay?Super senior :D

JB said...

@ Anna's mom: So true! Just yesterday was discussing with a lady here how I get confused about what to say. Y'know, earlier it was she is such and such "month" and now suddenly it's going to a year. And the first birthday party. I am so tense. I know she doesn't realise but she will have people telling her na? Don't want to let her down once she's grown up.

@ Do bigha: thanks. Been ages, how're you? And er, Sree is right.

@ Sree: lol @ super senior,

suruchi said...

just caught up with last few posts all together...and when u speak about the satisfaction of Mia growing up in Australia, I kinda agree with you...it's a sad state of affairs for girls here even now!

congratulations on all the wonderful memories of the past five years n all the best for new ones in the making...
it feels wonderful to see you showering your love on your little one like you do:-)

dobighazameen said...

@ sree : super senior.... hehe, funny as ever !

JB said...

@ Suruchi: thank-you, hope to see you around.

Bikramjit said...

well you have shown life does change.. BUt i think that is good.. you would not want to be stuck at one place...

with change good things come too :)

as they say when you are down life gives you a chance t oeither remail there or get up and make a change .. you sure did :)

Happy birthday to MIA.. partyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy cakeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)


confusedyuppie said...

wow! loved the bits and parts and loved your life- what a journey. although I dont want to ask- why did June 2006 happen- u dont have to answer- its just a rhetorical question. why? why? why?

btw happy birthday mia. You have a cancerian baby!Life begins NOW!

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