There's state of mind and then there's a state your mind's in. Or moments when I am so cranky it irritates me. Or I am so irritated I really want to cry. My belly is HUGE. Correction: The thing under my boobs with red streaks and spider veins running all over -- that can sometimes change shape on its own -- is HUGE. I also projectile puked yesterday because the body felt like it.
I am terrified of the night. It usually means I will have tremendous tummy ache after dinner and will not feel good till I puke. Then I will feel worse for making myself puke. I am terrified of going to bed because I know I won't get any sleep. And because I will be hungry all night because I puked out my dinner. Then next morning it will be a repeat of the cranky-weepy-weepy-therefore-cranky phase. *whimper*
I seem to feel either perpetually terrified, tired, cranky or cantankerous. I am hating it because it's not me. I don't even remember who me is or was. Who me? I want to fight with Partner for doing *this* to me. Then realise I had always been the one going, "I soooo want a baby." (snort) Then I get mad at my body for feeling like this. Followed by bouts of extreme guilt and verbal apologies to my tummy saying, "I am so sorry, it's not your fault and Mamma didn't think those thoughts. Mamma is just tired, hungry and absolutely at her wits end." *waaaanh*
I REALLY want to fight with my doctor, who is so, so nice. Because I want her to say things like, "I think we need to get the baby out of you early." Even though the pregnancy is progressing perfectly (touch wood). Because I have HAD it with being pregnant. Really. And there are STILL four weeks to go. 4x7 = 28 days. If Bub is on time. I don't even want to think of what I'll do if Bub's late.
I want to be able to sleep ON MY BACK with my legs wide apart. Without cramping or my pubic bone hurting. I didn't even know I had a pubic bone (cartilage to be right), or definitely didn't think of it every waking, walking moment. I don't want to get up at night to pee. And pee. And pee. And then take at least 8 minutes to get on bed, keep legs together, swing legs up, hold belly while turning on right side, balance on one arm while gently lowering myself...and then get breathless with the effort.
:( I feel so guilty for writing all that. And more for feeling it. Bub is definitely not getting to see my blog for a long, long, long time. I REALLY want my baby. Now. It's got a lot to do with body going bonkers and also because three of my friends here have had their babies. Their ages (bubs) are 11 months, almost-three months and barely-over-a month (the twins).
I know that other than the belly-discomfort, I definitely won't get any sleep after the baby. But I've just had it and now want to get on with it. Ok, tata bye. Mope for the day over. Now I will go and look at the house and things that need to be done. Then make a list, stick it on the fridge and do nothing about it. At all. F**k nesting. It's just another way of making you clean up.
Don't want to.