30.6.08

Mosquito makes man a eunuch!

Once upon a time, when doing Yugpurush or something similar, actor Nana Patekar said, “Ek machhar aadmi ko hijda bana deta hai.” (A single mosquito can turn a man into a eunuch). He is so bloody right.

While I am still much a woman, I HATE mosquitoes with every last red blood corpuscle that I have in my body (and the ones the winged bastards have not sucked out). I am currently at my parents place – not Kolkata as someone masquerading as me has typed in the chat box – and I look as if I’ve had red-spot tattoos on my body. My legs, arms, thighs and back are dotted with itchy, little red dots no-thanks to the mosquitoes that have been having a week-long buffet on my body.

Seriously, if you are bothered by mosquitoes and need a solution, invite me over. I seem to act like some sort of mosquito repellent for other people since when I am around, the shits ONLY bite me. So much for us humans being the smartest of all species as we still have not been able to control moskies. Once the science text books spoke of having eradicated malaria, now it’s back full swing. Not to mention dengue, also perpetrated by the blood suckers.

Mosquitoes have no conscience. They will bite you when you are celebrating your happiest moment or lamenting a loss. They will bite you when you are killing yourself to meet a deadline and even when you are making love. A mosquito bite during sex is VERY inconvenient. First you have to stop, then you have to scratch and if you can’t reach the spot, you have to ask your partner to scratch. Bloody romance killers.

I don’t know the species of mosquitoes that are now around but I can personally vouch that these parasites have evolved.

Earlier if you lit a Kachua coil (Tortoise brand mosquito repellants that are burnt and the fumes are meant to kill them), the moskies would fly helter-skelter. It was good fun watching them try and escape the fumes, smother in frustration and collapse. Then when Good Knight mats hit the market, the little blue tablets did pretty much the same thing. NOW though, the moskies seem to have competitions diving INTO the fumes of the kachua coil. And I swear to the lord, I have seen at least three moskies sitting ON a hot, supposed-to-kill-them Good Knight mat and getting a tan.

I have seen moskies the size of my nose in Sikkim and have heard stories those could kill a horse. I am much smaller though thankfully those never bit me. Apparently Norway has mosquitoes the size of airplanes and drivers are asked not to collide with them. :[ Here at my parents place they aren’t that big, but are just as mean and just as skilled in the art of giving maximum pain. They also seem to compete in who can give me the biggest bump that later turns into an angry red burn that stays for a week and itches me.

For one, there are the guerilla mosquitoes. These are the ones you will never see till they bite you. Even after that and sitting with your eyes plastered on the walls and trying to find them, you will never manage to catch one and YET be bitten WHILE you are hunting for them. Some brazen ones seem to mock me by buzzing from right under my nose.

Then are the F-51 jet-mosquitoes. These dudes attack in a formation and make a straight dive for you. So while you try to defend yourself from five, there’s another two choosing that tender spot at the back of your neck, or behind your knee, or between your toes, or on your eyelid. Have you ever been bitten on your eyelid? I have just been, even as I type this. Shits.

I am sure at least some of you have encountered the Phoenix mosquitoes: You squash them in your hand, or against the table or on the notebook and JUST AS you think they are dead and remove your hand, the bastards zoom off. They DON’T die, they rise from the dead! Some of the Picasso mosquitoes also display the phoenix trait. Picasso moskies are the ones that bite in a pattern… Like I discovered five bumps on my thigh after my video game session last night and realized the bites looked like a flower. Or bites that are in a zig-zag or some such pattern. I appreciate artistic license and all that, but not with my blood dudes.

It’s a pain, sitting and writing here because I have suffered serious blood loss by the time I am done with 500 words. And now that I have to go and play my last round of Empire Earth – can beat the computer in the island scenarios but am thwarted when I choose the land scenarios – as tomorrow this time I will be on a train, I dread the bites I will have. Sigh. If only I could bite the bastards and make them feel the pain. If only.

PS: Um, have you heard of any women addicted to video games or a particular video game? My father reckons I am going to destroy my still-to-be-made family because I forget to make breakfast as I am playing a video game. If you know of girls who play games AND still manage to run families, do share. I will tell my father. Sigh. Going now, my kingdom calls.

9 comments:

Maxine said...

hahahaha are u sure u hate mosquitoes?You just wrote a whole article on them.And what gyaan!wah!I never knew mosquitoes had such variety of names!lol

mwah. you be well.

Leave the video game here n go.okay.

Nirav said...

Heh! You know, I have come across a suicide bomber variety too... these ones are martyrs, or are so frustrated by their moskie lives that they just want to die. T

hey'll sit on your arm, and if you try to be generous and not squat them and try to just make them buzz off, they just won't. They are only looking for nirvana through a squatted death.

DewdropDream said...

hahahahahahahaha!!! Excellent!! You write so well!! Haven't you tried Odomos or Autan or something? Don't they help?? The mosquitoes here could well be dragon-flies, going by their size! Thankfully one doesn't encounter them as such/

Bhavi said...

Well the only option I guess is to buy a game in which you can fight against mosquitoes.Well atleast there I hope you will successfully take revenge.
Just imagine getting biten on your private parts while bathing!!I have experienced it!! lolz
nice1!!enjoyd reading it!!:-)

JB said...

MAxine -- am quite sure i hate those little blood suckers, or not so little as the case might be!! AS for video game, mom has taken a promise that i will delete it. :D NO ONE has a prob when a man is addicted to tech, but if its a woman everyone thinks it will lead to the decline of the human species or the family line or some such thing.

Nirav ---> So true, how could i forget the suicide bombers. I think these are mosquitoes that have been rejected in love. wat say?

DewDrop --> These days the moskies consider Odomos to be a fairness cream... or a tanning lotion, they jump into the odomos and then go sit on the good knight mats.

BlastOff --> Nahi...my mother will hate you if she finds you that you are suggesting another video game.

maxine said...

Did u just call me MA??
HMMM!

Scribblers Inc said...

Mosquitoes have indeed been a source of much intrigue down the ages and I even remember reading an intelect poem about the same by some old-fangled poet that I cant recollect.I have encountered those lil bratty phoenix ones myself.Aeroplane sized mosquitoes??that would take some stretch of imagination!!:)

Scribblers Inc.

P.S.-I have seen some puppy sized mosquito fossils in the Indian Museum at Calcutta...glad they dont exist now!!

go-phish said...

Theres this crazy new racquet thing in delhi which i got introduced to a couple of months ago when the mosquitoes were feasting on me...it gives them an ELECTRIC shock! you heard right....you turn it on and wave it around and it fries em! literally! ouch! a very painful way to die. effective? YES!

Royal Fabrics said...

Nice and good post .. .U people know ? mosquitoes are the most deadly species. Recently the Union health minister, J P Nadda asked the hospitals to prepare an action plan within a week to combat mosquito-borne diseases. To know how to prevent mosquito bites, Visit Mosquito net Dealers in Chennai

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